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18 March 2016 @ 11:19 pm
I spoke with someone about grief today and they were tin a bad place for almost an entire year with therapy. I can not function like this for an entire year. Angry me is not me. I am not good at anger... I don't like me very much.
09 March 2016 @ 08:31 pm
I have been told I need to journal, the therapist feels this would be a good thing for me to attempt to do. So here I am, dusting off a neglected and forgotten platform where most people I know are not any longer... I suppose I my start tomorrow or next week as I don't want to start mid week.... Hell truth be told not sure I want to start but safer here than Facebook.
26 April 2010 @ 02:13 am
By no means is this all of them but we wanted to get a few up before we got in trouble with family.

25 April 2010 @ 09:11 pm
I put a lot of pressure on myself to make this a memorable and special day. She won't remember any of it but I desperately needed to celebrate. It has been quite a year.

Friday was a frantic day. We went over to my friend Liz's house and made a 2 layer butter cake with butter cream icing. (Most of these pictures will be posted via picasa and facebook but if you are interested I will send you the link)

Anyway.. after the cake was cooled, frosted, and for all respective purposes finished we started on the dress. Liz got it thrown together in a jiff ( I would have done more on it had the cake not taken so long. But in the first cake I forgot to add the salt.) Anyway those pics are going to be posted too... the only thing I ended up doing in the end was the butterfly buttons on the shoulder.

Saturday I attended a pretty awesome workshop for my PD hours. I am so glad that I had switched her party because had it been Saturday no one would have been able to attend due to the storms.

Today started early and we busted our butts attempting to adapt. It was windy as all get out which makes an outdoor party pretty difficult. But it was sunny, the sky was gorgeous and I had my Tabs where I could hold and kiss her.

I may seem very neurotic here but I had a dream and Tabitha was in the hospital again and they were telling me when I could and could not see her and I woke up, my heart was pounding, and I felt as if I were going to cry.
This has been a very rough year and even if Tabs won't remember it I needed tons of pink, I needed balloons, I needed bright colors and screaming kids. I needed to celebrate life.

It wasn't until much later that I realized how scary the situation was and how bad it could have been. I could have died.. and so could have Tabs.

This year has been so emotionally draining... really its no real wonder I have experienced anxiety attacks.

I am also so lucky to have a husband who is so wonderful with children. They adore him and if I didn't have his encouragement and support I would be a complete basket case.

I had so many plans for my ideal experience a year ago. Very little of it panned out but at the end of it all I have my sweet and quirky little Tabby-toes.

More to say but I may expand upon it later....
27 March 2010 @ 06:36 pm
What a week....

Well a little over a week. On Wednesday March 17th we went to Atlanta, Georgia for our pre-op. We spent a then rather sleepless night with Tabitha as she was sleeping between us in an unfamiliar place. We were all up with her at 3AM.

We were told on Wednesday that our surgery which had been scheduled for 8AM was pushed back to 11AM meaning we needed to be at the hospital at 8:00 instead of 6:00. That was ok because as I said. Tabitha was up at 3:00.

The day of the surgery I will confess I was a wreck. Though the doctors and nurses were wonderful about keeping me calm. They carried her back, there was not any fighting for an IV. They called us as soon as they had her under and then it was just the wait. I got to see her again about 4 hours later when we got to our room upstairs for overnight observation.

My baby is in a massive purple cast and we were learning to work with it.. though as each day passed she became more and more adventurous so by this Wednesday she was attempting to be mobile. Which would have been cute had she not tried to take off her pinky in the process. Though I digress on Wednesday the hand was swollen so I called Atlanta three times. When I didnt get a call back I scheduled an appointment with the primary care physician who also gave me an ointment for the rug burn Tabs was getting on her pinky. Thursday was pretty much watch and wait and I went in for an appointment to just make sure it was looking better and tried to come up with some ways to protect her delicate little digits.

Well Friday morning I put her down to play for less than 5 minutes while I got a pen to take down some information from a lady at the IRS. Somehow she managed to .. well it was gross.. I couldn't tell for all the blood if she even had a fingernail and skin was off in hunks (she had apparently gotten her pinky trapped between her cast and the floor and tried to use the cast as leverage to move)

No one could see me. Primary Care was out, both pediatric orthopedists were out, the doctor in Atlanta was in surgery.... so I ended up going to the ER. They attempted X-Rays however its hard enough to see a baby's bones.. made worse by the cast. What ultimately freaked me out however is that the ER doctor refused to treat her and called in an adult hand specialist who agreed to see her after he got out of surgery at 2:00.

Heres where I had a problem. I had given my word to work that day and if I was unable to show up there would be a lot of tired and overworked people who I would let down. The director was out of town so it was really a bad situation for them. I also really would like a job -- and they could very well be hiring full time in the fall. Though if I come across as a flake then I might as well kiss any hope goodbye.

So anyway... after a discussion with DH he talks to his boss and he takes her to the hand surgeon. (LONGEST 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE) as I waited for a call about the appointment. I thought the surgery was bad but at least then I was right there. I was in the same building at least. Being even just a few miles away and not knowing what was going on was killing me. Ultimately the verdict was that it was much better than it looked. (As it looked like her pinky got stuck in a garbage disposal I certainly hoped so) And what the ER doctor had feared had happened was not the case.

We are however on high caliber anti-biotics and watching to make sure it doesnt get infected.

Also I personally may be looking for a new doctor. My doctor never seems to be in. Its been months since I actually saw her... last time I was so frustrated I asked to see an associate in the clinic. She has some home and personal issues so isnt working much anymore. Shes a great doctor with wonderful intuition... but I need someone who is going to be more redily accessable.

Also I have a sleep study scheduled for April 18th they seem to think that if my apnea is still an issue it could be contributing to my hyper tension and diabetes control. They apparently have no idea what is going on with the rest of my life.

The Census called me again and I am hoping it is because an office job became available. However it has become painfully obvious that I wont be able to take it.. this week.. just attempting to work half days with a baby just recently out of surgery was a challenge. I hate to tell the DH that hes right however no matter how much we need the money I wont be able to contribute much for awhile.

Ahh well... everyone who might be interested is now, once again, on the same page.
Just where do I start?

Employment -- On the job front, still nothing. I have had 3 actual interviews this month which is good. I will say I have noticed something different about the South. Often times the interviewer will call you back and get your hopes up even if you didn't get the job. I am confused by this custom. I am more comfortable with not knowing rather than hearing that you were not selected. That has happened to me 3 times now since moving down here. I could forgo hearing how delightful it was to meet me, how impressed they were with my skill sets and resume... just to be told that despite all of that... they have selected another candidate.

I have seen some of my competition and know they have been in the field for longer than I have even been eligible to be in the job market. Jobs are scarce and veterans are out there collecting unemployment. I can accept knowing that much easier than the sicky sweet syrupy southern tea that they seem to feel they have to serve. Because hearing how good I am .. but just not quite good enough makes me cry just about every time. If I am delightful, a pleasure, and skilled than Id much rather have a job as opposed to an ego boost. It really doesn't boost anything.

Tabitha -- Shes growing up so fast! Shes 9 months old now! She makes the funniest faces, she chatters incessantly, she plays....

There are other things however she isn't doing.. Shes not crawling -- she can roll and turn herself in circles and is attempting the "booty scoot" But until something gives on this left arm... her therapist is figuring she will be a walker and skip crawling because its not something she can really do. She cant bear weight without the splint and with the splint it inhibits mobility.. so what can you do?

We went to Atlanta and got some news. Tabs is not a candidate for the nerve grafts, she has made too much improvement and he said he cant improve on what nature is doing on its own. So they are scheduling an MRI to see what is impeding certain innervations. They may end up having to reset the shoulder from the initial shoulder dystocia. The will have to sedate her and so I am looking at another 1-2 Atlanta trips next month.

I am relieved there wont need to be a nerve graft right away. But ... a little bit of hope died. I had hoped that there was going to be some sort of answers. That he could tell us it was all going to get better. Right now its just a you have to be patient. I saw a little girl named Lucy who was about Adaras age in the waiting room with a similar left arm injury and I wanted to just sob. I dont want to see Tabs at 4 slinging her little dead arm around. Kids are hateful and I just want her to be able to play and not be a target for bullying... Though she may heal on her own it will always be weak.

Not much else to say. Hubby's birthday coming up and no extra money. I would love to be able to throw him a party, buy him something nice... but as I have no real income to speak of... probably won't happen as its pretty tacky to spend someone elses money to throw a party or buy his own gift.

Waiting on at least one more form to do taxes. Not sure thats going to work out well this year thanks to 1099s. I made less than 2000 but I am fearful that it could be just enough to screw us... even though my income didn't even come close to medical bills... or heck even paying my stupid cell phone for the entire year.

Mom -- Moms moved in and its been a flurry of phone calls and trips to Indiana and meetings with the section 8 housing people. Also have to get SSI taken care of and medical... and its been a nightmare dealing with the bureaucracy. She would like to maintain a modicum of independence so we have filled out the Section 8 transfer info and she could have her own retreat yet is welcome to be here with the grandbaby as often as she likes. We have determined she needs her own quiet space from time to time and found a very small cute apartment that is well within her budget and serves all the basic needs. Most of the people who live there are older and it seems pretty quiet. Just hate the thought of moving all her stuff again.

Thats January all summed up. Until next time...
03 January 2010 @ 08:37 pm
Happy new year to us...

We finally found the kitty that disappeared the weekend my mom moved in. It was not how we wanted to find him but at least we know he went in his sleep. Of all our cats he was known as the escape artist, or ninja cat. He escaped into the garage apparently and fell asleep... he just didn't wake up.

In the meantime I had posted on-line lost ads, Richard and I asked the neighbors, we checked the garage and the attic... I went to the humane society and the Ark to see if someone had found him and brought him in... but after a week or so I was kind of hoping he'd just gotten out, gotten lost and found some nice old cat lady to take care of him... there wasn't a lot of hope beyond that and the people at the humane society did tell me that often times older cats will disappear to die. I knew that.. growing up on a farm and having tons of farm cats... I just preferred to think of something nicer.

He was approx 9-10 years old which is, I suppose, a respectable age for a cat. But other than some cat yack he didnt give us any signs he was feeling bad.. and cat yack is kinda standard for a long haired cat. He still slept in our room... was still Mouse --scared of his own shadow, yet loving --even to the baby until the day he disappeared.

I have only been in his life for the last few years but I will miss him terribly. He snuggled with me while I was sick, he kept me company while I was on bed rest. He was the only cat who would let Tabs near him... he was quite the nurse cat.

We buried him today in our cat garden. BC left this world around the holidays several years ago, followed by her sister Flap in about a year. Both has cancers and perhaps it was easier to accept as they were older and you knew what was wrong. Mouse still seemed young and fine but obviously he knew something we didn't.

Adara had quite a cry and as much as losing Mouse hurt, her tears were heart wrenching. Once she had gotten it all out she wanted to dress up for a kitty funeral she sood graveside and sprinkled Mouse with catnip so he would have something to play with in heaven. Then we all came in out of the cold, shared some catnip with his friends and celebrated his life with warm bowls of chili and cheesecake.

RIP Mouse.. you were well loved and will be missed
14 December 2009 @ 06:45 pm
Overwhelmed by the massive amounts of little things one can accumulate in 12 years in a two bedroom apartment.

Moms things are here and now it is time to begin making sense of them. I went out today and applied for the job at the courthouse. My updated (online) application has been completed for the public schools and I have another resume/application to deliver tomorrow.

It is amazing what a person can accomplish with an extra set of hands!

On the down side... I don't have any income for the next 2 weeks thanks to the holiday and the swine flu. My student's little sister is sick despite having the vaccine. So when I go in for my blood pressure exam tomorrow I am going to see if my current cough/cold could be of the porcine flu variety.

The washing machine repair guy has just performed a minor miracle and was able to find the part we need to fix the washer and is on his way over now -- so my "vacation" can be spent doing laundry (the almost 2 weeks of laundry -- as the machine has been a roller coaster)

I was also supposed to have gone to Montgomery tonight and due to the fact that out of the last 3 time sheets sent in -- and I have not seen a check... well I can not continue to put that much wear and tear on my only transportation if there is no way of maintaining it. Allegedly my contact and his boss are looking in to it because I told them I can not be on call if I can not maintain my transportation.

5 more minutes till the comfort food comes out of the oven and we all sit down to roast, potatoes, carrots, and onions. Its later than I would have liked but the roast I had sat out to thaw took too long as well as the things I had to attend to today... and I just didn't ge things started as early as I needed to.
08 December 2009 @ 12:14 pm
How has technology’s constant presence affected your (or your child’s) education?

I feel that things are much more distracting. Don't get me wrong, I love my gadgets and gizmos and the internet, but lets face it these days anyone can get anything published. There is too much "noise" and there are too many "experts" who can support any and all opinions easily, no matter how off base they might be.

I am finding that I can not go a day without some convenience however I am wondering if that has improved my quality of life or has only succeeded in elevating my stress levels.

Children have not yet learned the skills required to be responsible stewards of technology and I feel that the introduction of technology should be monitored closely. I worked in an IT/Library educational position for several years and discovered the technology is only as useful as the operator can make it. If you do not have a real world, solid base, certain tech can be highly distracting and a waste of valuable time.
05 December 2009 @ 09:08 pm
Mother should be moved in by next Sunday. So I can seriously begin interviews ideally on Monday.

Tabitha's neurosugeons appointment in Atlanta has been rescheduled for the beginning of the year. (Jan 8 @ 2:30)

My labs are still out. Is it PCOS? Diabetes? Hypothyroidism? We will see when the second set of labs come back. Its probably a bit of all of the above. I will say Dr Cimino is very thorough and deserves every nice thing I have ever heard about him. Hes a great listener and if I were ever to have another child I would definately go with him. He sincerely seems to have an interest in me and helping me to figure out what the issue is.

Holidays --- kinda of suck as they are going to be very sparse as far as gifts go. Medical bills are a (*)&^% so the goal is to figure out one big gift that the kids want or need and another IOU to my loving husband until I can get some sort of income and things figured out.

Anyway... quick update as I am uncertain as to when my last one was